Relationship: Is Love a Choice or Feeling?

Die folgenden Geschichten basieren auf realen Erfahrungen aus meiner Praxis, wurden jedoch anonymisiert und veraendert. Sie dienen als Inspiration fuer Veraenderung und ersetzen keine professionelle Beratung.

• Debate on Love as Choice vs. Feeling: Examines if romantic love is a deliberate decision or an uncontrollable emotion, challenging personal autonomy and partner selection in relationships.

• Conflicting Views on Love’s Nature: Highlights diverse perspectives from Shakespeare, proverbs, and the Bible, showing no universal consensus on love’s essence despite efforts by artists, scientists, and thinkers.

• Emotional Impact of Falling in Love: Describes love as an elating, freeing sensation that sparks fear due to its intensity, offering insights into why people hesitate to embrace it fully.

Imagine sitting across from your partner at a dimly lit dinner table, the clink of silverware against plates the only sound breaking the heavy silence. Your heart races, not from excitement, but from the weight of unspoken words. You’ve felt that rush before—the butterflies when you first met, the way their smile lit up your world like a summer dawn. But now, months or years later, those feelings seem distant, replaced by a quiet ache in your chest. You wonder, staring into their eyes, is this still love, or did it slip away when I wasn’t looking? Moments like these pull us into the heart of one of life’s most enduring questions: is love a choice or an uncontrollable feeling?

As Patric Pförtner, a couples therapist with over two decades of guiding people through the tangled paths of relationships, I’ve sat in countless rooms like that imagined dinner table—sometimes in my office, other times in the stories clients bring me. I remember my own early marriage, fresh out of graduate school, when my wife and I faced our first real storm. We were in our mid-twenties, juggling new careers and the unexpected arrival of our first child. The euphoria of our wedding day had faded into sleepless nights and sharp words exchanged over who forgot to buy groceries. One evening, as rain pattered against our apartment window, I turned to her and asked, “How do we notice when the spark dims?” It wasn’t a why question—that traps us in blame—but a systemic one, inviting us to observe our patterns together. That conversation, raw and vulnerable, taught me that love isn’t just a fleeting emotion; it’s a daily recommitment, like tending a garden through seasons of drought and bloom.

Many of us know this pull. You might be reading this because you’re in that dinner-table silence right now, or perhaps you’re reflecting on a past relationship that ended not with a bang, but a whimper of indifference. Falling in love feels like being swept up in a warm ocean current—effortless, exhilarating, pulling you under before you even realize it. Poets like Shakespeare immortalize it as “immutable,” a force beyond our grasp. An old Argentinian proverb warns that “the one who loves you will make you weep,” hinting at love’s painful undercurrents. And the Bible offers a gentler view: “Love is kind.” These voices echo through history, yet they leave us adrift. Artists, biologists, even bricklayers who’ve felt its sting—none have pinned it down completely. Why? Because love dances on the edge of the uncontrollable and the chosen, a paradox that both frees and frightens us.

Let’s lean into that fear for a moment. How do you notice it creeping in—the hesitation before saying “I love you,” the way your stomach tightens at the thought of vulnerability? In my practice, clients often describe falling in love as a lightning strike: sudden, blinding, leaving them trembling with possibility. But here’s the therapeutic truth I’ve witnessed time and again: that initial rush, while real and biochemical—dopamine flooding your brain like a summer storm—isn’t the whole story. It’s the entry point, the spark that invites us to build something enduring. The real question, the one that keeps relationships alive, is what we do when the storm clears and we’re left with the everyday drizzle.

Consider Anna and Markus, a couple I worked with a few years back. They came to me after five years together, their hands clasped tightly but their eyes darting away from each other. Anna, a graphic designer in her thirties, recounted how they’d met at a mutual friend’s art exhibit—sparks flew instantly, conversations stretched into the night like threads of silk. “It was like the world narrowed to just us,” she said, her voice softening with the memory. But by the time they sought therapy, the elation had ebbed into resentment. Markus, a software engineer, felt Anna’s growing distance as rejection, triggering old attachment wounds from his childhood where love always came with conditions. They argued over small things: who loaded the dishwasher wrong, whose turn it was to plan date night. The pressure in their stomachs, that knot of unspoken fears, had built until it threatened to unravel everything.

In our sessions, we didn’t rush to answers. Instead, I guided them with questions that uncovered the layers: “How do you each notice when the good feelings fade—what sensations arise in your body?” Anna realized her withdrawal was a defense mechanism, rooted in a fear of losing her independence. Markus saw how his frustration masked a deeper need for reassurance. We explored attachment patterns—not as labels, but as maps to understanding. Love, I explained, starts as an uncontrollable feeling, but sustaining it requires choice. It’s like steering a ship through fog: you can’t control the weather, but you choose the direction, adjusting sails with empathy and intention.

This brings us to the core debate: is love a choice or an uncontrollable feeling? From my experience, it’s both, intertwined like roots beneath soil. The falling-in part? Often beyond our full control—chemistry, timing, that inexplicable pull. Research in psychology, including studies on neurochemistry, shows how oxytocin and serotonin create that euphoric bond, much like an addiction we didn’t sign up for. Yet, as relationships deepen, autonomy returns. We choose to focus on positives, to communicate openly, to rebuild trust when cracks appear. LMHC Grady Shumway, a colleague whose work on empathy in couples I admire, emphasizes approaching conversations with a willingness to listen. By creating safe spaces, we foster collaborative healing. Shumway concludes, ultimately, recognizing that love involves both emotional sparks and intentional acts empowers us to nurture deeper connections.

This image captures that crossroads moment so many couples face—the path of feeling versus the bridge of choice. In watercolor’s soft strokes, it reminds us that love’s journey blends heart and will.

Now, let’s address some questions that arise naturally in this exploration. You’ve probably wondered, is love a choice or an uncontrollable feeling? In my view, grounded in years of therapy rooms filled with real stories, the initial rush is largely uncontrollable, a biological and emotional wave. But staying in love? That’s where choice enters, deliberate and daily. We decide to honor the bond, even when feelings waver like candle flames in wind.

Another layer: shumway concludes, ultimately, recognizing the interplay of emotion and intention is key. As Shumway notes, by committing to growth and communication, we transform fleeting feelings into lasting love. This concludes, ultimately, recognizing that love isn’t passive—it’s an active cultivation.

In healthy company, we maintain realistic expectations, understanding that no partner is perfect, no relationship immune to ups and downs. Setting boundaries protects our emotional space, while avoiding certain situations that trigger old wounds allows us to focus on presence.

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Back to Anna and Markus. Through our work, they implemented practical shifts. First, they practiced daily check-ins: not grand declarations, but simple questions like, “How are you feeling connected today?” This built empathy, dissolving defenses. Markus learned to voice his needs without accusation, using “I” statements that eased the pressure in Anna’s chest. They set boundaries around work stress—no discussing deadlines after 8 p.m.—creating room for intimacy. And they chose appreciation rituals: each evening, naming one thing they admired in the other, shifting focus from flaws to strengths.

Six months later, Anna emailed me a photo from their anniversary hike, her arm around Markus, smiles genuine. “We chose this,” she wrote. “The feeling followed.” Their story illustrates how love evolves. After the honeymoon phase, what comes next? Commitment to healthier habits: shared goals, forgiveness practices, even couples’ exercises like mindful touching to reignite sensory connection—the warmth of skin, the rhythm of breath.

Feelings are fleeting, like clouds passing over a mountain. We can’t force them to stay, but we choose our vantage point. If your partner no longer meets your standards, or happiness feels elusive, ask yourself systemically: “How do I notice my dissatisfaction building? What small choices can redirect us?” Leaving might be a choice too, but often, recommitting reveals hidden depths.

To make this actionable, here’s a grounded approach from my therapeutic toolkit. These aren’t rigid rules, but flexible steps tailored to real lives, limited to essentials for clarity:

1. Observe Without Judgment: Start a journal. Note daily: How do you notice love’s presence or absence in your body? This builds awareness of patterns, not blame.

2. Cultivate Empathy: Practice active listening. When your partner speaks, reflect back: “It sounds like you’re feeling…” This creates safety, as Shumway advocates.

3. Set Loving Boundaries: Discuss needs openly. What situations drain you? Agree on avoiding certain situations that erode trust, while honoring individual space.

4. Focus on Positives: Daily, list three qualities you cherish. Research shows this rewires your brain toward affection, turning choice into habit.

5. Communicate Intentionally: Schedule vulnerability time. Share fears and dreams, fostering the deeper bond beyond initial feelings.

6. Adapt to Changes: Monitor shifts in intimacy, like sexual needs. Approach with curiosity: “How has this evolved for us?” Adjust together.

7. Prioritize Growth: Read a book on attachment or attend a workshop. Maintain realistic expectations—love ebbs and flows, but choice sustains it.

These steps, drawn from sessions with hundreds of couples, emphasize that love is an act of will amid emotional tides. Can you choose not to fall in love? Yes, to an extent—by drawing boundaries, avoiding certain situations that fan the flames, and focusing on incompatibilities. It’s protective, especially if the connection feels harmful.

Ultimately, recognizing that love blends the uncontrollable with the chosen liberates us. It honors the poetry of feeling while embracing the prose of commitment. In my own life, that rainy evening conversation with my wife led to over twenty years of partnership, through job losses and joys alike. We chose, again and again.

If you’re in that dinner-table moment, pause. Breathe into the ache. Ask: “What choice can I make today to nurture this?” Couples counseling, like what Anna and Markus embraced, offers a mirror and a map. It’s not about perfection, but presence—the trembling hand reaching out, the shared laugh breaking silence. Love, in its truest form, is your choice to show up, every day.

As Grady Shumway concludes, ultimately, recognizing that love involves both emotional and intentional choices empowers you to actively nurture your relationships. By committing to open communication and growth, you can enhance your connection and cultivate a deeper, more fulfilling love. You hold the reins—will you guide your heart home?

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